From Issue 4.3 Real Materials.

after beni xiao

i want to kill my coworker
before the stress of her kills me
if i die tomorrow—it was her fault
at the scene of the crime, you’ll find
the stupid reading glasses she needs
but never wears. i’m running away
i’ll send you postcards with cryptic
coded messages to let you know
what being not here is like

i didn’t finish the Titanic
so i could pretend that
everyone lives (even Fabrizio)
the boat doesn’t sink & Tommy
doesn’t get shot & the door is
big enough to float two people
(it was, mythbusters did an episode on it)
& really, jack was being a little stupid
because sure, it might be beautiful
to love someone enough to die
it’s much harder to love someone enough to live

i’m worried i’m going to be alone forever
some days i imagine someone
who laughs when i get angry at bad movies
& gets rid of spiders for me
when they scurry across the floor
in some universe there is someone who
enables my bike short addiction
& doesn’t mind that i’m overly attached
to my air fryer
but everyone i know
leaves & leaves & leaves
& the spiders keep on living
& its Arachnophobia or
Eight-Legged Freaks all over again
& mom let me watch those movies way too early
& i still probably need therapy
& i don’t know what it means when
it’s easier to imagine myself dead than in love